It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
