I'm eating all of the evidence.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
