Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize