I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
