I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
