You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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