Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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