I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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