My underwear smells like fireworks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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