She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
