This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
