I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im holly from the hills drunk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
