I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
