I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
