I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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