you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
