the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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