too bad you live with your parents still
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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