Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
