I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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