He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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