took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
