The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
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