i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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