Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
