Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
