six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
