I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
