you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
