Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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