No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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