I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
