I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I did not marry a roomba.
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