I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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