I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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