Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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