i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
