Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
