don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
