youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
...so i touched it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
