if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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