I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
