I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My feet surprised me
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