I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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