You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
