New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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