How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
