Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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