Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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