he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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