I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
