This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
