Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
