Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
