Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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