I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize