ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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