He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
