Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I love having hate sex.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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