How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
