Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
