god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
