Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
