it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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