her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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