Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
