I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
