she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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