Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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